He died on 23 December 2012. He never gave up. He fought right until the end. And now I'm tearing up again..
Note to self: don't listen to Mumford & Sons while thinking about dad.
He was so great. I finally got my license two days ago; he would have done that funny high five thing and smiled a big friendly smile. I wanted to phone him yesterday or the day before to tell him, and then it occurred to me that I couldn't. It fucking sucks. It really does.. Why did he have to leave us, like, why did it have to be his time now and not when he's old and after he'd done everything he still wanted to do? Why couldn't he enjoy the things he had worked SO hard for? Who's going to walk me down the aisle someday? Why couldn't it be him? I am so angry. But also glad he wasn't in any pain. He was the best fucking dad in the world.
And now he's gone.
I send him a message every now and then, hoping he gets it and I imagine what he would say in reply.
He was the best. And I miss him. This hurt is like no other kind of hurt, it's carved into me. When I heard on the day that it was all over, it felt like something was literally torn from my side. It's like losing a very important limb but still being able to kind of cope afterwards. I feel like I must smile because he'll want us to smile and to know everything is okay and he feels great right now. I really hope there's a heaven and that he's there. It just makes you feel better to believe that there is. He was a good, honest, loyal person. And funny as well! He was the best.
The other day something happened and it made me terribly angry but that same night I had a dream that it was his memorial again, and everyone was sad, and when we walked into the chapel he was sitting there - he was looking so so happy. He smiled and looked at us and said: "Everything is going to be alright. Don't worry!". It made me feel so much better, it was great. Somehow we will get over this and we will be okay. I will be okay eventually. This year I'll focus on my last year of studies and I'm going to make him and my mom proud. I'll be the best I can be for the people around me.
In these bodies we will live,
In these bodies we will die,
Where you invest your love,
You invest your life.
Love you, dad. :)
Saturday 19 January 2013
Wednesday 24 October 2012
Thursday 11 October 2012
It's been a while
Sorry, if anyone has actually been following this, college has been hectic and I have been completely buried under all my work now that the end of the year is fast approaching us.
My dad went for his third session of chemo about a week ago exactly I think. After every session the first week at home being around him is hell. He goes quiet and he looks like he's in pain.. and also as if he is emotionally just drained completely and it is so heart breaking to see. And then I just keep telling myself "just a few more days, then he'll lighten up, just a few more days..".
He also eats less and less after every session which is so worrying. He doesn't want to eat and his fluid intake is also decreasing.. I still want to ask him if he's thought about going to the hospital for a nutrition drip. Apparently the doc doesn't mind that he doesn't eat, as long as he keeps drinking whatever non-alcoholic beverage he wants.
The other day my boyfriend asked me how I deal with it because I seem to be so 'okay'. I told him it's because it's not necessarily believable even though I see my dad going through this process, the fact that he has a 50% chance of surviving/dying still seems so unrealistic to me.. Imagine a world without my dad. Nope, can't do that, it's impossible. I'm scared to shit, and there's nothing I can do but to keep positive.
I hope he knows how much we all love him.
My mom said something worth remembering today:
You can look at it from three points of view - either your glass is half empty or half full, or you can thank God that you at least have something in your glass.
Makes one think, doesn't it?
My dad went for his third session of chemo about a week ago exactly I think. After every session the first week at home being around him is hell. He goes quiet and he looks like he's in pain.. and also as if he is emotionally just drained completely and it is so heart breaking to see. And then I just keep telling myself "just a few more days, then he'll lighten up, just a few more days..".
He also eats less and less after every session which is so worrying. He doesn't want to eat and his fluid intake is also decreasing.. I still want to ask him if he's thought about going to the hospital for a nutrition drip. Apparently the doc doesn't mind that he doesn't eat, as long as he keeps drinking whatever non-alcoholic beverage he wants.
The other day my boyfriend asked me how I deal with it because I seem to be so 'okay'. I told him it's because it's not necessarily believable even though I see my dad going through this process, the fact that he has a 50% chance of surviving/dying still seems so unrealistic to me.. Imagine a world without my dad. Nope, can't do that, it's impossible. I'm scared to shit, and there's nothing I can do but to keep positive.
I hope he knows how much we all love him.
My mom said something worth remembering today:
You can look at it from three points of view - either your glass is half empty or half full, or you can thank God that you at least have something in your glass.
Makes one think, doesn't it?
Thursday 6 September 2012
Things are going well!
So I haven't posted in a while - been busy with projects and stuff. Anyway, it's going well at the moment; he's eating a lot more despite the fact that his taste is gone. He really wears his cancer like a crown. :)
He handles it so well, I'm proud to call him my dad!
I've had my first session with the psychologist, and it was so nice. I got to just spill out everything that's been on my mind lately and she helped a LOT. I just feel friendlier in general now. I'll be seeing her again in about two weeks. I've been trying really hard not to slack on my work, but it's difficult - it seems so pointless for some reason? And it's not about the money or that I don't enjoy it. I just have a lot less motivation than usual, but things are still going alright in terms of that. I want to make my parents proud. :)
Well, that's all I have to say about that. (That sounded a lot like Forrest Gump, didn't it!?)
Have a nice day everyone who reads this
And don't forget to smile. :)
He handles it so well, I'm proud to call him my dad!
I've had my first session with the psychologist, and it was so nice. I got to just spill out everything that's been on my mind lately and she helped a LOT. I just feel friendlier in general now. I'll be seeing her again in about two weeks. I've been trying really hard not to slack on my work, but it's difficult - it seems so pointless for some reason? And it's not about the money or that I don't enjoy it. I just have a lot less motivation than usual, but things are still going alright in terms of that. I want to make my parents proud. :)
Well, that's all I have to say about that. (That sounded a lot like Forrest Gump, didn't it!?)
Have a nice day everyone who reads this
And don't forget to smile. :)
Monday 27 August 2012
The fluid is back.
So the chemo went well. He hasn't had any major bad reactions yet as they gave him medication to prevent nausea and so on. He has just been very lethargic. Also very serious a lot of the time which is a little disheartening but I guess I can't blame him.
He will be going back to hospital tomorrow because he has more fluid building up in the same spot, I think. So they'll be draining it from him again tomorrow. As long as it doesn't take him from us today like it almost did last time, I'll be grateful.
I went away for this past weekend, and it was nice. The overall vibe at home is emotionally tiring, and I can feel myself wanting to do less and less, which is really bad because I have a sh*tload of work to do most of the time, and I don't want to fail any of my subjects at college. Even though I have these kind of 'notions' that should keep me going, I have just been feeling like doing nothing at all. I make less effort with a lot of things, and I have such a short fuse. I hate feeling sorry for myself, and yet I can go on and on about how everything sucks for me, ugh, I would get irritated reading this. But that's how it is.
I think I'll eventually somehow stop being a baby about this. Let's hope so. At least my dad is doing okay so far - which, I guess, should be enough for me.
I don't know.
He will be going back to hospital tomorrow because he has more fluid building up in the same spot, I think. So they'll be draining it from him again tomorrow. As long as it doesn't take him from us today like it almost did last time, I'll be grateful.
I went away for this past weekend, and it was nice. The overall vibe at home is emotionally tiring, and I can feel myself wanting to do less and less, which is really bad because I have a sh*tload of work to do most of the time, and I don't want to fail any of my subjects at college. Even though I have these kind of 'notions' that should keep me going, I have just been feeling like doing nothing at all. I make less effort with a lot of things, and I have such a short fuse. I hate feeling sorry for myself, and yet I can go on and on about how everything sucks for me, ugh, I would get irritated reading this. But that's how it is.
I think I'll eventually somehow stop being a baby about this. Let's hope so. At least my dad is doing okay so far - which, I guess, should be enough for me.
I don't know.
Wednesday 22 August 2012
Tomorrow
So he starts chemo tomorrow.
I was scared but I think I've worked through it. Because all we learn about chemo on TV is that it takes it out of the person. They get sick and vomit and sleep the whole time - which is true but c'mon its not the end of the world. He took 16 steroid pills today. Holy cow, I know, but it is to get him ready for the treatment.
He's able to stay off the oxygen for longer periods of time now, so that's good. Hopefully the treatment helps. I'm sure it will somehow help him. It has to.
Positive thoughts only. :)
I was scared but I think I've worked through it. Because all we learn about chemo on TV is that it takes it out of the person. They get sick and vomit and sleep the whole time - which is true but c'mon its not the end of the world. He took 16 steroid pills today. Holy cow, I know, but it is to get him ready for the treatment.
He's able to stay off the oxygen for longer periods of time now, so that's good. Hopefully the treatment helps. I'm sure it will somehow help him. It has to.
Positive thoughts only. :)
Saturday 18 August 2012
Today and yesterday
Today and yesterday were good days. I feel good.
I did break down a little after we went to visit my dad the day before yesterday though. My dad only wanted to sit up and hang his legs off the side of the bed for a little bit and it took all of his energy to do it and he had to catch his breath again afterwards. It was a nightmare to see. Imagine not being able to not take in the oxygen that you need.. It is a horrible thought, but its for real. I cried, and I told my mom that it just feels like he isn't going to make it through all of this. She said he isn't, and we have to try to start accepting it for what it is. It was so in my face, and I think I'm dealing with it now. Its like when something is said out loud its more acceptable? I don't know.
I have so much respect for my mom. She is being stronger than ever. I can not think of any other woman being such a good wife to her husband. And she's still so in love with him after like 20 years. I guess you realise how much you love and need something when something threatens to take it away from you. She's being a good mom too as well as running my dad's business. She has a lot on her plate and I don't know how she does it all. She says she decided to be strong for my dad because he needs to see that we're doing okay. So she's showing him that she's okay. Don't know how she does it.
They gave him steroid injections into his lungs (at separate times) and he's breathing a lot easier now. He came home this morning, and we got him oxygen to use here at home so he's doing pretty good. Looks like the old him - just with an oxygen pipe in his nose. I love him so much.
The chemo will start on Tuesday it seems.
We'll see how that goes..
I'm positive though. Happy to see him on his spot on the couch watching his sport. It makes me feel nice to know he's comfortable.
I had a bit of a downer the other day. I thought about the time he helped me catch guppies in a rock pond by the ocean, and the time he made me a fishing rod out of bamboo and just attached a line with a hook to it - I tried to 'cast' my line and somehow the hook got caught in his neck! (But it didn't go in deep, don't worry LOL)
Then I reminded myself that I'm not going to have many more of those great times with him, and that things are gonna go downhill from here. I'm such a pessimist, I hate it. We never know, I mean the chemo might work and we'll have him for many more years to come, and we can make more great memories.
He is just the greatest. :)
I did break down a little after we went to visit my dad the day before yesterday though. My dad only wanted to sit up and hang his legs off the side of the bed for a little bit and it took all of his energy to do it and he had to catch his breath again afterwards. It was a nightmare to see. Imagine not being able to not take in the oxygen that you need.. It is a horrible thought, but its for real. I cried, and I told my mom that it just feels like he isn't going to make it through all of this. She said he isn't, and we have to try to start accepting it for what it is. It was so in my face, and I think I'm dealing with it now. Its like when something is said out loud its more acceptable? I don't know.
I have so much respect for my mom. She is being stronger than ever. I can not think of any other woman being such a good wife to her husband. And she's still so in love with him after like 20 years. I guess you realise how much you love and need something when something threatens to take it away from you. She's being a good mom too as well as running my dad's business. She has a lot on her plate and I don't know how she does it all. She says she decided to be strong for my dad because he needs to see that we're doing okay. So she's showing him that she's okay. Don't know how she does it.
They gave him steroid injections into his lungs (at separate times) and he's breathing a lot easier now. He came home this morning, and we got him oxygen to use here at home so he's doing pretty good. Looks like the old him - just with an oxygen pipe in his nose. I love him so much.
The chemo will start on Tuesday it seems.
We'll see how that goes..
I'm positive though. Happy to see him on his spot on the couch watching his sport. It makes me feel nice to know he's comfortable.
I had a bit of a downer the other day. I thought about the time he helped me catch guppies in a rock pond by the ocean, and the time he made me a fishing rod out of bamboo and just attached a line with a hook to it - I tried to 'cast' my line and somehow the hook got caught in his neck! (But it didn't go in deep, don't worry LOL)
Then I reminded myself that I'm not going to have many more of those great times with him, and that things are gonna go downhill from here. I'm such a pessimist, I hate it. We never know, I mean the chemo might work and we'll have him for many more years to come, and we can make more great memories.
He is just the greatest. :)
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