He died on 23 December 2012. He never gave up. He fought right until the end. And now I'm tearing up again..
Note to self: don't listen to Mumford & Sons while thinking about dad.
He was so great. I finally got my license two days ago; he would have done that funny high five thing and smiled a big friendly smile. I wanted to phone him yesterday or the day before to tell him, and then it occurred to me that I couldn't. It fucking sucks. It really does.. Why did he have to leave us, like, why did it have to be his time now and not when he's old and after he'd done everything he still wanted to do? Why couldn't he enjoy the things he had worked SO hard for? Who's going to walk me down the aisle someday? Why couldn't it be him? I am so angry. But also glad he wasn't in any pain. He was the best fucking dad in the world.
And now he's gone.
I send him a message every now and then, hoping he gets it and I imagine what he would say in reply.
He was the best. And I miss him. This hurt is like no other kind of hurt, it's carved into me. When I heard on the day that it was all over, it felt like something was literally torn from my side. It's like losing a very important limb but still being able to kind of cope afterwards. I feel like I must smile because he'll want us to smile and to know everything is okay and he feels great right now. I really hope there's a heaven and that he's there. It just makes you feel better to believe that there is. He was a good, honest, loyal person. And funny as well! He was the best.
The other day something happened and it made me terribly angry but that same night I had a dream that it was his memorial again, and everyone was sad, and when we walked into the chapel he was sitting there - he was looking so so happy. He smiled and looked at us and said: "Everything is going to be alright. Don't worry!". It made me feel so much better, it was great. Somehow we will get over this and we will be okay. I will be okay eventually. This year I'll focus on my last year of studies and I'm going to make him and my mom proud. I'll be the best I can be for the people around me.
In these bodies we will live,
In these bodies we will die,
Where you invest your love,
You invest your life.
Love you, dad. :)
