So the chemo went well. He hasn't had any major bad reactions yet as they gave him medication to prevent nausea and so on. He has just been very lethargic. Also very serious a lot of the time which is a little disheartening but I guess I can't blame him.
He will be going back to hospital tomorrow because he has more fluid building up in the same spot, I think. So they'll be draining it from him again tomorrow. As long as it doesn't take him from us today like it almost did last time, I'll be grateful.
I went away for this past weekend, and it was nice. The overall vibe at home is emotionally tiring, and I can feel myself wanting to do less and less, which is really bad because I have a sh*tload of work to do most of the time, and I don't want to fail any of my subjects at college. Even though I have these kind of 'notions' that should keep me going, I have just been feeling like doing nothing at all. I make less effort with a lot of things, and I have such a short fuse. I hate feeling sorry for myself, and yet I can go on and on about how everything sucks for me, ugh, I would get irritated reading this. But that's how it is.
I think I'll eventually somehow stop being a baby about this. Let's hope so. At least my dad is doing okay so far - which, I guess, should be enough for me.
I don't know.
Monday 27 August 2012
Wednesday 22 August 2012
Tomorrow
So he starts chemo tomorrow.
I was scared but I think I've worked through it. Because all we learn about chemo on TV is that it takes it out of the person. They get sick and vomit and sleep the whole time - which is true but c'mon its not the end of the world. He took 16 steroid pills today. Holy cow, I know, but it is to get him ready for the treatment.
He's able to stay off the oxygen for longer periods of time now, so that's good. Hopefully the treatment helps. I'm sure it will somehow help him. It has to.
Positive thoughts only. :)
I was scared but I think I've worked through it. Because all we learn about chemo on TV is that it takes it out of the person. They get sick and vomit and sleep the whole time - which is true but c'mon its not the end of the world. He took 16 steroid pills today. Holy cow, I know, but it is to get him ready for the treatment.
He's able to stay off the oxygen for longer periods of time now, so that's good. Hopefully the treatment helps. I'm sure it will somehow help him. It has to.
Positive thoughts only. :)
Saturday 18 August 2012
Today and yesterday
Today and yesterday were good days. I feel good.
I did break down a little after we went to visit my dad the day before yesterday though. My dad only wanted to sit up and hang his legs off the side of the bed for a little bit and it took all of his energy to do it and he had to catch his breath again afterwards. It was a nightmare to see. Imagine not being able to not take in the oxygen that you need.. It is a horrible thought, but its for real. I cried, and I told my mom that it just feels like he isn't going to make it through all of this. She said he isn't, and we have to try to start accepting it for what it is. It was so in my face, and I think I'm dealing with it now. Its like when something is said out loud its more acceptable? I don't know.
I have so much respect for my mom. She is being stronger than ever. I can not think of any other woman being such a good wife to her husband. And she's still so in love with him after like 20 years. I guess you realise how much you love and need something when something threatens to take it away from you. She's being a good mom too as well as running my dad's business. She has a lot on her plate and I don't know how she does it all. She says she decided to be strong for my dad because he needs to see that we're doing okay. So she's showing him that she's okay. Don't know how she does it.
They gave him steroid injections into his lungs (at separate times) and he's breathing a lot easier now. He came home this morning, and we got him oxygen to use here at home so he's doing pretty good. Looks like the old him - just with an oxygen pipe in his nose. I love him so much.
The chemo will start on Tuesday it seems.
We'll see how that goes..
I'm positive though. Happy to see him on his spot on the couch watching his sport. It makes me feel nice to know he's comfortable.
I had a bit of a downer the other day. I thought about the time he helped me catch guppies in a rock pond by the ocean, and the time he made me a fishing rod out of bamboo and just attached a line with a hook to it - I tried to 'cast' my line and somehow the hook got caught in his neck! (But it didn't go in deep, don't worry LOL)
Then I reminded myself that I'm not going to have many more of those great times with him, and that things are gonna go downhill from here. I'm such a pessimist, I hate it. We never know, I mean the chemo might work and we'll have him for many more years to come, and we can make more great memories.
He is just the greatest. :)
I did break down a little after we went to visit my dad the day before yesterday though. My dad only wanted to sit up and hang his legs off the side of the bed for a little bit and it took all of his energy to do it and he had to catch his breath again afterwards. It was a nightmare to see. Imagine not being able to not take in the oxygen that you need.. It is a horrible thought, but its for real. I cried, and I told my mom that it just feels like he isn't going to make it through all of this. She said he isn't, and we have to try to start accepting it for what it is. It was so in my face, and I think I'm dealing with it now. Its like when something is said out loud its more acceptable? I don't know.
I have so much respect for my mom. She is being stronger than ever. I can not think of any other woman being such a good wife to her husband. And she's still so in love with him after like 20 years. I guess you realise how much you love and need something when something threatens to take it away from you. She's being a good mom too as well as running my dad's business. She has a lot on her plate and I don't know how she does it all. She says she decided to be strong for my dad because he needs to see that we're doing okay. So she's showing him that she's okay. Don't know how she does it.
They gave him steroid injections into his lungs (at separate times) and he's breathing a lot easier now. He came home this morning, and we got him oxygen to use here at home so he's doing pretty good. Looks like the old him - just with an oxygen pipe in his nose. I love him so much.
The chemo will start on Tuesday it seems.
We'll see how that goes..
I'm positive though. Happy to see him on his spot on the couch watching his sport. It makes me feel nice to know he's comfortable.
I had a bit of a downer the other day. I thought about the time he helped me catch guppies in a rock pond by the ocean, and the time he made me a fishing rod out of bamboo and just attached a line with a hook to it - I tried to 'cast' my line and somehow the hook got caught in his neck! (But it didn't go in deep, don't worry LOL)
Then I reminded myself that I'm not going to have many more of those great times with him, and that things are gonna go downhill from here. I'm such a pessimist, I hate it. We never know, I mean the chemo might work and we'll have him for many more years to come, and we can make more great memories.
He is just the greatest. :)
Thursday 16 August 2012
Blood Clot
The 'something' in his lung was a blood clot. Apparently his blood thickened after the two operations. He's still in hospital and they're giving him pills to thin it out again, but he's in pain and he takes short little breaths, because deep breaths hurt him too much.
How the fuck am I gonna do this? This is only the beginning and its already so much to deal with.
I'm being strong and positive but it hurts so much to know that he's hurting.. and nobody can do much about it.
How must it feel to not be able to breathe comfortably?? I can only imagine.
How the fuck am I gonna do this? This is only the beginning and its already so much to deal with.
I'm being strong and positive but it hurts so much to know that he's hurting.. and nobody can do much about it.
How must it feel to not be able to breathe comfortably?? I can only imagine.
Tuesday 14 August 2012
The Scan
Today my dad went for his CT scans. They found "something" in his lung that they want to fix before he starts his chemotherapy (my mom didn't say what it was and when I asked, she called it a 'dinges' which most Afrikaans people would understand). I don't know if she actually didn't want to tell me or if it really slipped her mind. I don't know.
Before I was told that it was cancer, my dad had two operations done. He had liquid (water?) pushing up against his lung that made it hard to breathe so they put a drain in him to drain the liquid. They also basically rinsed out his lungs (operation 1). Then they fastened his lung to his pleura in order to make it impossible for the liquid to go in between the two and 'squash' the lung (operation 2). Now he's just gone back to the hospital because of the CT scan thing - they phoned and said he should go immediately. I'm a little worried because it seems quite urgent.
I am hating not knowing what exactly is going on, its frustrating because I'm being left out of the loop like I'm a little child. I think next time, or tonight when my mom gets home, I'll ask her to explain to me exactly what is going on. I rate I would rather want to know and be informed of things immediately so I can start to process it instead of only being told later on..
One can only hope this thing in his lung isn't too bad. This is so frustrating.
At least he's still with us though, right?
Before I was told that it was cancer, my dad had two operations done. He had liquid (water?) pushing up against his lung that made it hard to breathe so they put a drain in him to drain the liquid. They also basically rinsed out his lungs (operation 1). Then they fastened his lung to his pleura in order to make it impossible for the liquid to go in between the two and 'squash' the lung (operation 2). Now he's just gone back to the hospital because of the CT scan thing - they phoned and said he should go immediately. I'm a little worried because it seems quite urgent.
I am hating not knowing what exactly is going on, its frustrating because I'm being left out of the loop like I'm a little child. I think next time, or tonight when my mom gets home, I'll ask her to explain to me exactly what is going on. I rate I would rather want to know and be informed of things immediately so I can start to process it instead of only being told later on..
One can only hope this thing in his lung isn't too bad. This is so frustrating.
At least he's still with us though, right?
Monday 13 August 2012
Cancer.
So about three weeks ago, we found out that my dad has cancer. Its stage 4, although I'm not sure what that entails. I don't even think I would want to know. I decided to start this blog just to get my thoughts out.
I've been in a constant state of disbelief, because my old man looks fine except for the tiredness, and he's short of breath every now and then. I don't see how it is possible that he can leave, like, stop existing just like that. I don't believe it yet. His chemo therapy starts next week and I'm hoping he'll react well to it.. I'm nervous. What if he throws up a lot and gets really skinny ('cause that's what happens, right?). He's so skinny already but he's been that way all his life. I'm positive most of the time but every now and then when things are quiet around the house or when I'm focusing hard on my work, the scary thoughts make their way into my mind and they stay there for longer than I prefer.
At least now I have the world to share this journey with.
But it doesn't make this any less scary.
I've been in a constant state of disbelief, because my old man looks fine except for the tiredness, and he's short of breath every now and then. I don't see how it is possible that he can leave, like, stop existing just like that. I don't believe it yet. His chemo therapy starts next week and I'm hoping he'll react well to it.. I'm nervous. What if he throws up a lot and gets really skinny ('cause that's what happens, right?). He's so skinny already but he's been that way all his life. I'm positive most of the time but every now and then when things are quiet around the house or when I'm focusing hard on my work, the scary thoughts make their way into my mind and they stay there for longer than I prefer.
At least now I have the world to share this journey with.
But it doesn't make this any less scary.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)